Reality: Hello is Brendan Fraser there?
Brendan Fraser: This is Brendan, who’s calling?
R: Hi Brendan, It’s Reality. Do you know why I’m calling?
BF: (sigh) Yes
R: Well, then I’m glad it’s no surprise. You have another shitty movie dropping today? Another stupid F’en animal movie?
BF: You mean Furry Vengeance? Opening today nationwide. This one is different, it’s targeted at kids
R: I don’t care if it was targeted at animals, it still sucks. And quit with the cheap movie plugs asshole, this isn’t movie-phone.
BF: Is this really necessary, Reality?
R: Let me go down the list here of your movie credits: ARE THESE REALLY NECESSARY Brendan?
Furry Vengeance: More crap for the ole resume, eh Brendan?
Monkeybone: I’m speechless on this one, you win.
Bedazzled: You know what would bedazzle me? You making a decent movie.
Dudley Do-Right: Seriously, Really? Dudley do wrong movie every time. Do you know what I see in this movie poster? 2 horses asses.
George of the “God Damn” Jungle? Were you on crack when you signed up for this one? If so great you have an excuse. If not, you’re just an idiot.
Encino Man: Who doesn’t want to act opposite Pauly Shore?
Journey to the Center of the Earth. Are there shitty movie plots in the center of the Earth? Because that would make a lot of sense why you insist on doing this movie.
R: Jesus Christ man, you have made some dirty bombs, I mean you almost make Nick Cage’s career look relevant. Do you know how hard that is? I bet you guys have the same agent. And that agent must a monkey with a tie and glasses who just throws his own feces on a pile of movie scripts after which you and Nick Cage fight over the rights to star in the movie.
BEEP (Call waiting)
Nick Cage: I heard that
R: Hang up the phone, retard!
BF: What about With Honors or The Mummy, those were good movies
R: Yeah, you have made a couple of good movies, I guess it’s bound to happen but why in the hell do you keep making these dumb ass movies? Every movie you make that has you co-staring with a live or animated animal equals SHIT BOMB. The math is simple moron.
R: A-Lister’s in Hollywood are on the short list. You Brendan are on the Hollywood Short Bus, catch my drift? Move over Gary Busey, there is a new door-knob in town and his name is Fraser. Every time a new movie of yours opens all I can think of is “DOWN GOES FRASER!”
BF: Kids movies make billions of dollars each year and I love working with animals.
R: Doing a kids movie every now and then is great, doing an animal movie every now and then is great. Basing your entire movie career on such films is suicide. Problem is, you won’t die, you just keep doing this crap over and over. The only ones dying are the audiences who watch your shit-filled movies.
BF: Now you are just being a little too harsh and mean
R: It’s called reality Brendan and it’s obvious you need a slap in the face with a large dose. In fact you need to be hit in the face, on screen with a huge turd pie, because that’s what you keep serving us.
BF: Fair enough
R: Who the hell helps you green-light these monstrosities and are they drunk when you consult them?
BF: Are you done yet?
R: Almost. Bag after bag of shit each and every movie. I say, well he’s hit rock bottom then you come back to prove me wrong time and time again. You can’t get worse than Monkey Bone can it? Answer, Yes! Furry Vengeance. I would say that is your bottoming out but I’m sure you’ll top that again with your next piece of crap-bag movie.
BF: In my defense, I am a working actor in Hollywood doing what I love to do.
R: That’s great ass-hat but doing what you love affects all of us. If you were contained in your own basement and I pray to god everyday you will be, then I could give two shits what you do. But when you are on every billboard I drive by with a Bear and a Raccoon I just want to swerve my car off the road and kill myself repeatedly.
BF: Now are you done?
R: Are you done Brendan? Done making carpet-bombs of shit you call movies?
BF: Alright I’m done, anything else?
R: Two things. One, fire your agent as soon as we get off the phone. Two: Look at Mickey Rourke, if he can come back ANYTHING is possible. Just promise me you’ll drop the god damn cartoon animal movies, please dip-shit?
BF: (sigh) Okay, okay I get your point.
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