I’m not trying to be a dick, but the best part of public school is they go back to school 2 weeks earlier than my kids private school. Seriously, the summer is long enough. I may enroll them in public school then in two weeks storm into the school, make a scene about the shitty public education system then drive them over to their regular school. And of course repeat next year.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but the best part of celebrating a dead person’s birthday on FACEBOOK is you don’t have to buy them a gift. I said, I wasn’t trying to be a dick.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but my mailman obviously is enjoying my order of eye contacts. Seriously, where else could they be? He’s a dickmouth.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but here’s hoping Kim Kardashians divorce gets as much coverage as her bullshit wedding.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but Curb your Enthusiasm is so funny it can almost cure cancer.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but Hurricane Irene? Really? Come On Irene, get it? (80’s music reference) Irene, sounds like my aunt Irene who has rheumatoid arthritis. Jim Cantore lives for this time of year, he loves it when peoples houses get destroyed by Cat 4 Hurricanes. He does, ask him.
Lastly, I’m not trying to be a dick but enough with the charity calls to my home at all hours. Here is the thing, if you are nice and give to one of them, they call you back about every 4 months and they also share your number and generosity with other charities. Oh, this guy just gave to us so call him. So, any nice deed you think you are doing will just become a huge fucking annoyance and a huge pain in the ass. We give to charity every year, we do. But for now on I’m not going to give to those who call me and badger me at home. I’m going to sit down with my wife and discuss who we will give to this year.
I don’t care if you are with the Firefighters, policeman, veterans with missing dogs and children that help sick and homeless people. I feel for all of them, but stop fucking calling me.
I give to Hospice mostly because they are dear to me due to the great support they gave my mother. I also give to a lot of others but I am now unfortunately going to start dog cussing people out who repeatedly call my house looking for MORE.