There I said it. Maybe not recreation golf but the PGA Tour sucks. I tried to watch some of the MASTERS this weekend but succumbed to boredom. We had the perfect blueprint for successful golf, it’s called Caddyshack. Here is my list of suggestions to make the PGA Tour watchable.
1. Put chicks on the bags
The entire tour is male, 99% of the viewing public is male and there are no ladies on the course? Who’s screwing this up. It doesn’t take a brainiac to figure it out. Clearly, since I thought of it. There are over 120 golfers per tournament, why not have 120 hotties to go with them. Seriously, who is going to miss those dumb-ass male caddies? Not Tiger. For those of you who say pretty girls couldn’t lug those big ass bags around all day, good point and it leads me right into my next suggestion.
2. Use the fucking carts please
Every golf course has like a 1000 of them. It will speed up the game and anything that speeds up the game is good. We don’t need to see a 45 year old man walking the entire 18 holes for four days, that’s just insane.
3. Wear shit like this and get a three to four shot penalty per round
Any questions? Wear what you want but if you look like a fucking clown you will be penalized.
4. Install a defense
Football, baseball, basketball, hockey hell even in tennis you get to defend. How do you defend in golf you ask, great question. You are allowed to use an air horn or bull horn twice per round against your playing partner. Those pampered country club golfers bitch and moan when someone in the crowd whispers during their back-swing. They should really shit their pants when their partner lays on the air horn during their attempt to sink a 3 foot birdie putt. Seriously who doesn’t laugh when air horns go off and if it makes a golfer collapse during mid swing at a crucial moment, all the better. Trust me on this, I would watch every second of the golf telecast to watch those dumb-asses blow air horns at each other.
5. Prime Time baby
Make one round of every tournament at night. No big lights, just the golfers wearing mining helmets with lights on them, glow in the dark golf balls and glow in the dark golf flags.
6. Make a birdie, shot gun a beer
Again, this is going to make the tour a lot more watchable and that is what we need. Can you imagine what happens if you get a hot golfer hitting 7 or 8 birdies in a round, drunk city. Talk about leveling the playing field right? Let’s not forget with all this beer there are also hot caddies running around, nice combination right? See, it all comes together.
With the installation of lady caddies, driving golf carts at night, drinking beers and blaring air horns I believe we just saved TV Golf. Excuse me, I believe “I” just saved golf. You’re welcome.