These days everyone meets online, texts each other then inevitably breaks up via email or over the phone. Technology, she’s a cruel bitch. That is just the world we live in now. I have a better solution, you aren’t broken up till someone gets hit with a pie in the face. Relationship over, face to face encounter finalized, pie in the face, humiliating. Come join my revolution, won’t you?
Let’s go through the benefits of the pie facial. FYI, I really like that term, pie facial. Has a nice ring to it. Maybe it’s because it uses the word facial. Either way, it’s very smart and witty. You know, like me
There would 100% be no guessing the status if you’re broken up or not. If someone smashes your pie hole with an actual pie, you’re broken up and you both know it.
It absolutely has to be done face to face. Sorry spineless dumb asses, you can’t hide behind a phone or email anymore. Did I mention you’re a spineless fuck?
It would help avoid ever getting back together. No more back sliding back into relationships just out of convenience. If someone gives you a pie facial the humiliation alone might scar you forever and dammit that’s what you need. Your relationship sucked, that’s why you broke up. Quit giving it second thoughts and second chances. Your bad relationship is like that band aid, get rid of that bitch fast and get on with your life.
Stimulate the economy
Think about it, pies cost money and lots of people break up daily. More pies also means more jobs. Jesus, we could jump start the economy with just you morons going in and out of relationships alone. I’m a genius, I should run for office.
Punish that “let’s just be friends” bitch
Do you know that girl (I mean bitch) that says “lets just be friends.” Well you and I know she’s too nice to pie you in the face, here’s where it gets fun. She pulls the friendship bull-crap card and you get revenge with killing her with a pie facial. Think about it, if you were the normal non pieing dumb ass ~ you would cowardly go “okay, you’re right” and walk out the door with your tail between your legs. Sure the relationship is still over but now you get to rain terror on this bitch.
Nobody ever should play that let’s just be friends card and now when they do they’ll get a pie catapulted into their dumb ass grill.
People hurt the ones they love all the time, it’s time we also hurt the dumb asses we don’t like anymore
Fair right? People lie and cheat on their boyfriends and girlfriends all the time and then tell them how much they care about one another. That shit is never going to come to an end so let’s just take revenge on those who really deserve it, your ex. You’re mad, you’re breaking up, the other person is a dumb ass, the pie in the face is the next natural progression. We need to inflict other pains besides heart ache. We need to smash faces, ruin clothes and publicly humiliate those we dislike. Come on people, this is text book. We are breaking up forever with this idiot, it’s time to unleash the entire frustration of your shitty relationship in the form of a nicely placed delicious pie.
End WAR forever
How can we do this Rich? Well, keep reading current reader and I will enlighten you. The pie can stand for the end of any relationship and that can include conflicts between countries.
Instead of using armies with guns and other weaponry, we will possess global armies wielding pies and other whipped topping pastries.
Conflict in the middle east? Just send 5 pie squads and a cake boss. Nobody get’s hurt, no trauma, just fun pie throwing till both sides decide how stupid they both are and both cease to be mad anymore. Sure, this probably needs some logistic work like who would supply and ship all the pies but I’m sure our top scientists and bakers could find a solution. They could also consult with the TLC channel for more wonderful pastry insight.
You guessed it, just two hours of two men in well tailored suits heaving pies at each other. Who wins? The viewing public.
It’s the best closing ever
Think about it, you want closure? Pie facial that dumb fuck who’s been cheating on you, that will save you hours of therapy and even more money.
People might even watch their step a little more in the relationship. Before the pie facial revolution, nobody really had anyone police their dumb-ass relationship moves. Now there is going to be serious ramifications with bad relationships. Those donkey dicks will think twice before calling that hooker up when they’re visiting Atlantic City for the convention weekend. You want relationship closure? Nothing would be better than the pie facial. Tell them to fuck off then call on Betty Crocker to do the rest. Seriously most of us tell them to fuck off anyway as we grab our belongings and head for the door with the only thing we have left, our dignity. The pie facial would just be the exclamation point icing on the failed relationship.
Pies, cakes, honey buns it’s all good
I don’t give a damn if it’s a real pie, a sheet cake or a doughnut hole, it’s the act that’s the finality. Don’t get caught up in semantics if you don’t have an impromptu pie handy. Smash a chicken with whipped cream in their face, it really doesn’t matter. The only thing that does matter is the relationship is fucking over and you will waste some food on their waste of a face.
Pie Chart anyone?
I hope you get all of this, if not contact me and I’ll make you a pie chart. Also know this, if I could I would hit you all with pies right now, just as a token of my appreciation for reading my blog. Start the pie revolution today!
Next up, how to incorporate doughnuts into my daily life. I mean besides eating them and worshiping them. Mmmmm doughnuts. Will you ever see a greater picture than the one above? Probably not. Homer gorging himself with beers and a very large doughnut. Next I’m sure he takes a nap then restarts the process again. Wow, if there is a god that image above will be ME filling my time through eternity with doughnuts, beers and naps. Wait, wasn’t this whole blog post supposed to be about pies? Never try to blog when you’re hungry. Did I mention I’m on a stupid-ass diet?