Hello I’m Ron Burgundy and here are your headlines today:
Our top story today. Some very cold, small kids (Chile miners) were rescued after months underground today. Everyone was happy and even the happy rabbit bounced back and forth. Not sure what that means but it was in my script so I’m reading it.. In honor of this historic rescue, Chili’s Bar and Grill, a local favorite of mine, is offering half off their Chlli Con Queso dip and chips. Well done Chili’s, well done.
In other news (camera turn)
You’re going to think this next story is soooo sweeeeeet (best Napoleon Dynamite voice) Fox has announced they will air a new Napoleon Dynamite cartoon next fall, based on the cult movie hit of the same name. That kid is a snappy dresser, I like his slacks. So, look for that on Fox. I watch House, great show but that doctor is fucking crazy. (opps, edit that in post)
(2-shot) Next up, Relationship news… Oh hot topic ehhhh Miss Veronica Corningstone?
Splitsville, It appears that David Arquette and his wife Monica Geller from the show called FRIENDS are calling it quits. No word yet if she is planning to get back together with her first husband, Chandler Bing. I think she should go after that beau hunk Dr. Drake Ramoray. Also calling it quits is Christina Aquilera and her husband Jordan Bratman. Well, there you go, his name is Brat, what did that girl expect? Is she the same person as Lady Gaga?
Camera Turn. Here is some more Entertainment News.
It says here that there is no longer a “Situation” on Dancing with the Stars. I have no idea what that means but perhaps our viewers can decipher that code. I won’t watch that show, I watch Terriers on FX and Hoarders. Have you seen Hoarders Buried Alive? Those people are a fucking train wreck. I thought my closet was a mess but no sir, you want to see a mess watch that fucking show. It looks like Champ Kinds frat house. Just a house full of crap, throw-up, garbage and usually between 5-to-25 cats running around. The title is a bit misleading though, I have never seen anyone buried alive yet, but I’m still watching for one. Great show though, thoroughly entertaining. Then I watch Nightline.
Lastly tonight I leave you with a sneak peek of my new Tattoo.
My editor says this isn’t news but I say bullshit, anything Ron Burgundy does is news.
Thanks for stopping by and letting me read you the headlines today, Atomic Gator is the best thing going today! I’ll be signing books at a random Barnes and Noble today in the San Diego area. I don’t have a book coming out but I like to take a sharpie to the book store and sign my name on the covers of many leather bound books. The store doesn’t like it, but I usually get away with signing a 100 or so before I get kicked out. I usually start in the cooking section so look for me people of earth.
I’m also eating at Taco Bell for lunch near Sea World, the new Volcano double beef burrito gets the ole Ron Burgundy seal of approval.
You Stay Classy America, I’m Ron Burgundy.