Since it’s August, I thought I would get a little back to school theme going. Is there a reason anyone shouldn’t go to college? I mean, it’s one of the great perks in life. I don’t mean academically, sure that’s a nice benefit from college but i was talking more about the whole social aspect. You can pretty much get away with anything in college because you’re enrolled in school and thus you must be going to classes or studying all the time. That is the myth, the fact is, you’re sleeping into the late hours of the morning, struggling to get to your 11:30am physics class and all you can think about is “drinking with Lincoln” (penny beer night) tonight somewhere down the street at a local bar, full of hot, young, drunk co-eds. You are also struggling to decide if your going to French class in the afternoon because if you don’t you wont see the hot chick who sits right beside you who always wears the beret to class.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Here are your grade point avarages. Mr. Kroger: two C’s, two D’s and an F. That’s a 1.2. Congratulations, Kroger. You’re at the top of the Delta pledge class. Mr. Dorfman?
Flounder: [drunk] Hello!
Dean Vernon Wormer: 0.2… Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Hoover, president of Delta house? 1.6; four C’s and an F. A fine example you set! Daniel Simpson Day… HAS no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blu…
[sees Bluto with a pair of pensils in his nostrels]
Dean Vernon Wormer: MR. BLUTARSKY… ZERO POINT ZERO.
A good friend of mine told me once, it’s not a crime to miss class, it’s a crime to not get the notes from the classes you missed. Truer words were never spoken. College is like everything else in life, it’s not how hard you work, it’s how smart you work.
Never-mind you’re 18, never-mind you’ve got stacks of homework and papers to write, your only agenda tonight is eating an entire blooming onion for dinner, and getting drunk and trying to figure out the next excuse to get more money out of mom and dad. Oh, and lets not forget your other major in college, trying to get with the opposite sex at any opportunity. Unless your gay then you are trying to get with the same sex partner. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but that’s for another blog post.
Lets get down to the facts about college girls
They love to party, they are looking for a good time and let’s not forget as we learn about latter in life, a lot of them experiment with other ladies while in college. MEOW. Like everyone else in college they are also drunk 90% of the time, this my friends up’s your odds tremendously. It’s a perfect storm for college guys. However, I should worn you guys now, the real world isn’t like college. You are a kid in a candy store with the co-eds but once you’re out of college the throngs of girls who get drunk every night and participate in wet T-shirt contests, and sleep with guys like you with no attachments, well those days are long over. Relish these times young Jedi, they will soon be gone. I also know there are aspects of college that suck shit, namely classes you hate at 8:00am, add / drop lines, term papers and finals are certainly not great things in college life. However, the huge perks in college are certainly worth the few asshole professors who wear suede jackets with patches in the elbows and insist on calling you out in class to recited the next sonnet that you could care less about.
Once you hit the real world with a thud, life introduces you to the 8am-6pm work day, a small ass cubical and Brenda the 37-year old chain smoker who thinks she’s the office cougar but in reality is the office skank. You will run with two types of people from this point on, ones that are married and bored and want to live their life through you but can’t. Or you’ll be with friends who still party like their in college and hit the bong every day, and have no job. Sure, they seem cool for about a week but after they hit you up for money for the 10th time, believe me you won’t think their life is so cool anymore. Yeah, it’s one extreme or the other after college. You have to strike while the iron is hot my friends and it’s never hotter than when you’re in college.
Get a good look at this picture from spring break, it never happens again in real life, unless of course you are on the cast of the Jersey Shore. First off, why anyone in college needs a Spring Break is beyond me. You’re whole life is a mini spring break. You can sleep till whenever you want for the most part, you drink 6 days of the week already and you play video games, watch movies and chase woman during your waking hours. <—– This is your life and you need a break from drinking, sleeping and chasing women to go some place sunny to go drink, sleep and chase woman?
Majors? Trust me, those are minor
Go find 10 people over 35 years old that are still in their field of study and I’ll give you a quarter. Everyone can’t be a Hollywood stunt man, major motion picture star or great author by the way, look at that shit realistically when you’re in college. English major may sound great on paper but unless you plan on being a teacher for 19k a year for the rest of your life that English degree isn’t going to pay your bills.
Live it up because anything goes in college, but not so much in the ‘real world’
Seriously, your impromptu trips to Mexico days are over. As are the days of little to no responsibilities. You could wake up any day in college and not be too surprised right? Seriously, you could be attending a cock fight in Tijuana with 3 people you hardly know and then watch the sunrise sitting in an empty u-haul and you chalk it up to another day. Trust me, once you’re out of college and in the work force the things that get you excited are much more tame. Example, you watch a lot more of the weather channel, you get excited when milk is on sale, and you’re very excited when you can sleep until 7:00am on the weekends. You also write a blog to help you adjust to life without, wait..er never mind.
Rejoice, you’ll never eat at Denny’s, Perkin’s, Shoney’s or the International House of Pancakes again
Make no mistake, when you’re drunk off your ass and you have $5 in your wallet you smile when you swerve the car over to Denny’s or IHop. In fact, I thought in college I had to stop at Denny’s, IHop or Taco Bell after 3am and drunk. It was almost like the Death Star’s tractor beam pulling me in. The Grand Slam at Denny’s at 4am is actually a college requirement now, no longer just an elective but this is largely due to no other options at 4am.
Don’t get me wrong here, you’ll still eat fast food crap after graduation but you’ll realize that you don’t have to sit down in a shitty place with shitty service and order crap food, you can just buzz thru the drive thru at McDonald’s and get on with your life. If you’re sitting at Denny’s or the International House of Pancakes and it’s daylight, you have some serious problems. If it comes to that, somewhere you have failed at life.
Abuse your body, your liver and anything else you can in college, that’s the time
Unless you get extremely lucky, those 4,5, or 6 years in college are the times when you can laugh at life and enjoy everything it has to offer. You’re young, full of red bull and recover quickly from all nighters so use that gift and party your ass off. Sure, do your homework, do your requirements, go to class but outside of that crap, live your life with the realization that you have a license to drink, sleep, road trip and be a complete idiot full-time, so dammit exercise those rights.
Thanks for reading Atomic Gator. BTW I have a PHD in kicking ass and a BA in BS and a BS in FU.