Dear Rich, what’s going on with the weight loss and the quest for the iPhone 4?
multiple people want to know about this
Good question everyone. I am going no where currently with my weight loss but I plan on attacking it hard very soon. I have no excuse other than I’m enjoying eating some junk right now. It also doesn’t help that I keep hearing bad things about the new iPhone. I’ll hit my target when I’m ready and right now I’m only ready to eat ice cream.
Dear Rich, I’ve noticed you don’t use the F-word anymore, WTF?
B-ray, lost in Canada
Well, I read some of my older posts and honestly they sound a bit bitter with some venom in them. I started this blog to write comedy and that’s what I really want to do. Dropping F-bombs might be funny but I need to dig deeper and not use the F’word like it’s a crutch. Don’t worry, I’ll still bring the funny, it’s what I do, I just want to try and do it with my other weapons. Consider me a Major League pitcher with an F’bomb fastball. What good is it striking everyone out all the time? Boring, yawn. I’m going to use my sinker, curve, knuckle ball and other various awesome pitches to make you laugh and ground out weakly to the third baseman on steroids. Do you follow the analogy?
Dear Rich, any plans to write a book?
Sarah age 24, Bristol, Connecticut.
Yes, I have a kick-ass idea and I plan on making it into a book. The hardest part is starting so I need to figure out how to get organized. Maybe I’ll get an intern and I can just dictate it to her. Anyone need an internship? I’ll give full school credits. All applicants must be female, hot and young. Well, wait, I’ll take male applicants as well I just won’t consider any of them. If i treat the book like I do my weight loss schedule you should look for it sometime around 3012.
Dear Rich, what are your hobbies?
Anonymous, 16 San Antonio, Texas.
Well, with 2 young kids my life revolves around them. But I also love all types of comedy, movies, laughing and college football. Oh, and I love doughnuts too but I guess that’s not a hobby or is it?
Rich, you write a lot about doughnuts, do you really love them that much?
Dan, San Diego, California.
Dear Rich, can you tell us more about your Jesus?
Patricia, Jax Beach, Florida.
Sure, thanks for asking Patricia. As mentioned in post: My Awesome List I have a special Jesus who helps me with ideas. She is a hot chick holding imported beer, and glazed doughnuts. She comes to me in my dreams and has cool ideas for my blog and even my book. I haven’t named her yet but judging from her awesomeness we can just refer to her as The hot Jesus chick with beer and doughnuts. I don’t know much more about her only that she embodies things I love, isn’t that what your GOD is supposed to do? Move over little baby Jesus, there’s a new sheriff in town and she’s scantly clad and come to hammer some doughnuts and wash them down with imported beer.
Dear Rich, I’ve been dating the same guy for 5 years will he ever pop the question?
hopeless in Topeka, Kansas.
Well hopeless your first problem is you live in Topeka, Kansas but you already know that. In a word, No. If this guy hasn’t popped the question or even broached the subject you are not a high priority in his world currently. I would consider an ultimatum and maybe even dating other people. He obviously takes you for granted. When I want to get served at a bar, I flash some cash then go back to my conversation. I show the bartender what I want and I don’t act desperate, people respect that. The bartender then usually hits me pretty quickly. In other words, show this guy something he’s interested in then back off and wait for him to come get what he wants. If he doesn’t come then you need to move on. One way or the other you’ll know where he stands pretty soon.
Dear Rich, can you please hang the pictures in the sitting room and the office that I’ve been waiting for you to hang?
Thanks, your wife. In your house.
Sorry folks, this is obviously SPAM.
Dear Rich, what is a typical day for you like? I bet it’s just awesome.
Jake, San Diego, California.
Well Jake, to be honest, in all fairness you’re 100% right. Typical day includes waking up around noon and wiping the awesomeness away from my eyes. Immediately head to the can and piss 100% pure beer into the toilet. Have brunch that consists of doughnuts and sandwiches. Have a meeting with my 5 female interns and dole out responsibilities for the day. I then call The Weather Channel and give them the weather report for the entire world for the following week, sometimes Jim Cantore and I will then schedule a lunch. After that I watch some DVR, nap, then get up and write some world famous comedy on my blog. After that I will probably push back some beer, make a few phone calls then watch a comedy movie. I will then bowl using real penguins as bowling pens. Next I will fight a robot and after that I will ride a horse that is riding a motorcycle. If there is still time left in the day, I’ll call an astronaut or cosmonaut on speaker phone while I’m fencing. For dinner two of my intern’s will go pick up to-go from Outback Steak House. Upon learning the food is for me, the won’t accept any payment. Outback Steakhouse, No Rules, Just Right. There is their payment. After dinner I’ll then shake hands with a make a wish kid, sign their head or whatever and then shotgun 6-10 beers with them. I’ll then puke in a bucket and give it to them, you should see their little bald heads smile when I do that. Finally, I’ll go to bed watching ESPN Sportscenter, sleep and repeat….That is pretty much a day in the life of me. Being awesome and extremely funny is hard work and even though it’s a gift, sometime this tremendous gift is a burden on me and my loved ones.
What is your stance on baby seal clubbing?
Arthur, Auckland, New Zealand.
GREAT Question Arthur. I have a bet with someone that I can make comedy out of baby seal clubbing, so here goes. First off Arthur, and others, you need to keep your legs about shoulder width apart with your legs slightly bent. See, that will give you a nice center of gravity and really help you get in an offensive stance. Next, grip the club tight but not over tight because you want some play in the hands so you don’t hurt yourself once you strike the baby seal. Remember it’s you or the baby seal so you need to treat this as such, no regrets and no hesitation. Also, and this is important, don’t wear anything you mind getting blood on. Because, from my experience these baby seals really get bloody and can ruin a really good outfit, thanks a lot baby seals. Don’t forget to take a lot of pictures with you and the bloody seal carcass, it’s my experience that those make really nice holiday cards, if done correctly. Some people call them defenseless baby animals but have you been around these things? First off, they are smart asses that practically beg you to club them and if you don’t they eat one of your legs off. Know the facts first people before you judge. I’m also not saying go club baby seal cubs, I’m just telling how to, if you are in the situation.
Dear Rich, what is your position on Global Warming?
Matt age 24, Spokane, Washington.
Thank you for asking Matt. It’s true the temperature of the Earth as a whole has trended up especially the past 10 years or so. Given that, the history of the Earth has had similar warming trends. Should we continue to monitor, yes. Should we worry night and day about it, no. Remember folks, we are all on this planet for a short amount of time and no matter what the sun is going to expand and implode one day and destroy the earth and our solar system as we know it. So, don’t worry about the earth’s temperatures going up .7 of a degree, just worry about living life to it’s fullest every day.
Sorry if I didn’t get to your question, keep the emails coming. One of my interns should get back to you at some point. Peace out.