Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a time machine?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a time machine, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I owned a time machine I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with time machines and money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do. Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.
I got side tracked there, thinking about what I would do with a time machine and lots of money that came with it. I immediately thought of Office Space. Although to be fair, I would probably be more motivated to be like Peter and sit on my ass and relax. I’m to old for the other thing aforementioned. Now, on to the real stuff.
For starters, my time machine will probably be my iPhone, it does everything else right?
It certainly won’t be the piece of shit delorean, that car sucks. I wouldn’t want to take it up the street, much less 100 years in the past or future.
First stop: S.O.S. I’m saving the Titanic
Save the Titanic from hitting an iceberg. Not for any humanitarian reasons, I mean, I’m certainly sorry so many people died but I can’t go around playing God here, this is strictly for my own selfish benefit. Me and my time machine will be too busy preforming awesomeness throughout history to go around policing shit. Back to the Titanic. I figure if the Titanic never sank then James Cameron wouldn’t be such a power hungry ass-hole with a fleet of submarines. Yes, he has a fleet of submarines. At some point I guess cars weren’t good enough for him anymore so he took to the water? Good enough reason, right? If James Cameron would have stopped after Terminator I would have been fine with that.
Hey A-hole, those glasses you’re holding give me a headache, quit pimping them.
Eat 2 dozen doughnuts at one sitting
If I was young again I would eat 2 bags of the mini doughnuts. One dozen of the chocolate mini doughnuts and one dozen of the mini powdered sugared doughnuts. Why? Because I can, and I saw a 12 year old at the park do this about a month ago and I was extremely jealous.
Seriously, this little dude ate one entire bag of mini doughnuts and it blew me away, then he pulled out another bag and like Jesus would do, he downed that bag as well. It was amazing to witness and I don’t think I would have been more impressed if someone turned off the SUN.
I was jaw-dropped, if I did that I would immediately go into a diabetic coma but it didn’t even phase this little rascal. I asked him if he would also eat dinner, hence his doughnut eating show was around 4pm in the afternoon, to which he replied “yes”. It should be noted this kid was skinny, not a fat slob. Oh, youth, I miss you sooooo much. Can you imagine not paying bills, sleeping till when ever you want, playing X-Box all day long and eating bags of doughnuts and still being skinny? I think we all missed the boat here, heaven isn’t a magical place in the sky, it’s a called childhood and for some reason when we we’re kids we all wanted to grow up. So, I’m going to time machine back when I was 10 or so and just demolish some bags of doughnuts. Some people would use time machines for lost love, or exploring but a top priority for me would be eating doughnuts, pretty cool huh?
Become best friends with childhood Jerry Seinfeld
For one, you would probably be laughing all the time. For two, who wouldn’t want to grow up with an American Icon? I would also probably have a spot or two in his hit show and my own fame would then burn bright like the salmon of Capistrano. What does that mean, I have no idea. Maybe one of the important characters on Seinfeld would have been based on me, this time machine keeps getting better. Oh yeah, in addition to being best friends forever with a stud like Seinfeld, I would also probably be very rich, let’s not forget the big picture here folks. I want money like a true baller, cause that’s how I roll. Money and laughter, does it get any better? What, family and friends? Oh yeah, that junk too but mostly money and laughter.
I would keep Jon and Kate from ever meeting up with TLC
Who in the world wouldn’t benefit from this? I think mostly their kids would benefit and that alone is worth it. See, this is the type of thing the time machine would be best suited for. Both of these douches could just be regular parents and raise their herd of children without the camera’s chasing these idiots around. Let’s not beat around the bush here either, both of these two are douches. Thanks for playing losers.
Jon, go buy another Ed Hardy t-shirt, Kate, go get on another reality show. You both are just huge pieces of shit. Even if you aren’t, I’m just too damn sick of hearing about both of you so I’m assuming you both are. Go raise your kids without cameras in their face the entire time, and try and stay off the talk show circuit, morons.
Invent the internet
I mean I could have and I probably should have invented the internet anyway but I was too busy drinking, hanging out, sleeping, chasing skirts and other ‘important’ things during my college days.
The thing is, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just didn’t care to invent the internet back then. (another kick ass Office Space inspired quote)
Tell me it wouldn’t look good on my resume’. “Oh, I see you invented the internet?” Me: “Yeah, just a little something I did right after college.” (I like it when I quote myself.) Unless I quote myself out of context then it just pisses me off. Guess the one other thing that stopped me from inventing the internet is I’m not good at math, but I do like the computer so there’s that.
Buy shares in Apple from day 1
This is a no brainier right? I saw a story a little while ago about the third member of the founding Apple team, Ron Wayne. Had a 10% share in Apple and decided after 11 days to sell his stock. He received $800 and went on his way. Today that 10% would be worth roughly $22 Billion. His quote: “When you’re at a focal point of history, you don’t realize you’re at a focal point.” I guess that’s true, but I think if I was in the same situation I probably would have stabbed myself in my heart. Not sure I could have lived with myself after that mistake. Either way, my time machine will be taking me to meet up with Jobs and Wozniak to claim my portion of the Apple gold pie and maybe a free iPad and iPhone 4, while were at it.
By the way, I won’t forget my true friends when I become rich and famous with this awesome time machine. No, I won’t forget you at all. Now, I won’t talk to you because I’ll be too important but trust me that I won’t forget about you. Well, that’s probably a lie, I would fairly soon too. Sorry, just keeping it real. Thanks for reading.