I’ll say it right here, right now. My high school and college guidance counselors were wrong, they said all the useless information I had stored in my tiny little pea brain would never serve any purpose. Oh really, who has a funny as shit blog? Suck it minimum wage guidance counselors. Get back to telling kids they’ll never amount to anything without 3 years of foreign languages and no volunteer activities. Seriously, keep trying to sell them that crap. With that, wonderful self serving intro I’m proud to present the Best Fictional Newscasters ever, I’ll go ahead and say it. You’re welcome. All this from the my mind of limitless, useless information.
Best Quotes: “Go Fuck yourself San Diego” and “Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.”
Station: KVWN Channel 4 in San Diego
Awards: 5-time local Emmy award winner
Best Attributes: Womanizing and Scotch (probably in that order)
Newsroom romances: several, including Veronic Corningstone
Co-Workers: Champ Kind, Brian Fantana and Brick Tamland
Best Quote: “Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we’ve just lost the picture, but what we’ve seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, ‘conquered’ if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earth-men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.”
Station: Channel 6 nightly news in Springfield. Kent Brockelstein (his real name) also hosts, Smartline and Eye on Springfield.
Sharp suit: no
Awards: to numerous to name them all
Career highlight: Once won multi-million-dollar ($130 million) state lottery jackpot and left the news desk while still on the air. However, he remained a news anchor because he was under contract, and he also admitted that he likes making $500,000-a-year.
Best Quotes: “It’s actually tomorrow in Tokyo. Do you realize that there are people alive here in Minneapolis who are already dead in Tokyo?” and “Folks, I’ve just received a special news bulletin: You have something on your front tooth.”
Station: WJM-TV Weatherman
Beautiful Blazer: yes
Career highlights: Once ad-libbed an on-air obituary for Chuckles the Clown. Also did the weather forecast with a monkey on some occasions.
Co-Worker: Mary Tyler Moore (Mary Richards)
Best Quotes: “I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank Piña Coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get that day over and over and over?” and “This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.”
Career Highlight: Phil wakes up to find that he is reliving Ground hog day, over and over and over again.
Bitter: You bet
Once killed himself and the stupid ground hog: YES (but both of them woke up again, unharmed the next morning)
Best Quotes: “Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.” also “Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.”
Station: SNL Weekend Update
Best Attribute: Considered the king of physical comedy in the mid to late 70’s.
Weird Fact: He was roasted by the Friars Club for a Comedy Central television special in 2002. This roast was noted for being unusually mean, even by the standards of roasts, and has never re-aired.
Best Quotes: “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” and “Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president and asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.”
Station: Comedy Central
Daily Show Alumni: Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Craig Kilborn, Ed Helms, Mo Rocca, Demetri Martin, Rob Corddry, Brian Unger, Beth Littleford to name a few.
Real news?: Actually Fake news but show does deal with real stories just with a very satirical look at current headlines.
Who are some of your fav fictional Newscasters?
Thanks for reading Atomic Gator, your one stop news, weather and traffic blog.
By the way, ANCHORMAN was released in theaters 6 years ago today. See, I have a reason for everything, figuring the shit out is the hard part.