Wee, Bikes and Flowers, I’m alive!
Look I watch some of the tour de Fail and I really like Lance Armstrong a lot. What American doesn’t? He’s a man’s man who kicked the crap out of cancer, champions the effort to fight cancer and oh yeah, he’s unstoppable on a bike. Outside of that though, the Tour de Fail is pretty unwatchable, like most things generated in France.
First off, the tour de Fail is a month long bike ride that started this year in Rotterdam, Netherlands. Hmm, okay.. Day two, the tour de Fail is in Belgium. Wow, I thought it was called the tour de France? Memo to America, if you ever have a tour America, why not start the race in Mexico? Then on day two, what the hell, race some in Canada. Makes a lot of sense right? Cool.
What do you need to know about the Tour?
- Meh — Not a lot. There only only a handful of riders who can win the Tour and that is out of about 200 riders who start the race.
- A lot of people don’t realize that there are really only two areas of the tour where you can win or lose the race, the time trials and the mountain stages. If you’re a good climber (on a bike) and you are decent in the time trial you are probably going to finish in the top ten. Technically you can also lose the race if you are a quitter or you crash out of the race. I didn’t think I had to point that out but I’ll dumb it down for the masses. Did I just insult you? hmmm
- Meaning, when there are regular flat stages, which is probably 90% of the tour de Fail, nothing happens. Let me repeat, nothing happens for 90% of the entire month long race. Riders ride for a several hours, then with a mile or so to go the sprinters get to the front of the pack and race for the win. Pretty anti-climatic and again, this is about 90% of the month long race. Oh, and it should be pointed out that after the winner, as long as the pack is all somewhat together, everyone gets the same time. Super, colossal waste of time and energy.
- 99.9% of the general public could care less about this bike race with the exception of watching Lance Armstrong
- With these facts, you can see why most America spectators classify this “sport” along side soccer and curling. If you have never heard of curling, you are awesome and I worship you.
- The first stage of this year’s “World’s greatest bike race” was about 10 minutes long. Really, seriously with this? I mean, my 4-year old daughter could have done the first stage and she has training wheels and a basket on her bike. That’s not a race, that’s a ride to the park.
Hi Daddy, I’m ready for stage one of the 2010 Tour de France. 10 minutes, I can do that with no shoes, right daddy?
Cool things about the tour
Well, there is a parade everyday, so there’s that.
Hey, that dude is cheating. He’s riding a car!
Lookout everyone, this Lion is doing the ‘Robot.’
This whole race is a wreck
It’s fun to watch the riders wreck, as long as nobody gets seriously hurt. Oh hell, even if someone gets seriously hurt.
This guy hit a dog. What a jerk, right? Evidently tour riders hit dog’s often, maybe bike riders don’t like dogs?
Wacky spectators: witness the DEVIL
The Devil has a pretty serious vertical jump. I always knew the Devil lived in hell, err France.
Should I be more concerned that the Devil is going kill a rider with a trident or that the rider has a camera? I’m supposed to take this sport seriously and the competitor is taking pictures with a drunk old man, in a Devil costume, while riding in the “race?”
Look it’s Bray and he’s hiding a small package. “Hi, I make sexy time.”
This dude calls himself the hornet, I call him the idiot. Yes that is a grown man. Yes that rider must suck because he is all alone. Hey lone rider, why don’t you abandon the race and call it a day, okay loser? Maybe not waving at grown men wearing hornet costumes would help you race faster. Just saying.
I don’t even know what to say. I hope alcohol is involved, it must be right?
Drinking & Driving
Are there any open container ordinances in this Country? I believe there might be a few “laws” being broken here. In America you get pulled over and roughed up for a burnt out tail light. Apparently in France, not only can you drink and drive, you can do it in broad daylight and flaunt it. Cheers, I’m drinking and driving. SUCK it Authorities.
Okay, even I can agree that it’s a decent sport that lets you drink during the final ride. Yes, the official race is still going on and Lance is so good he can pose for pictures and drink multiple glasses of Champagne and still kick everyone’s ass seven times. Yes, he’s that good. I think this is the one rule that should be instituted in our American sports. On the final day of a big event, or final period, last inning, last quarter etc, you are allowed to drink during the game. That would be pretty damn awesome. “Yeah, we were up by 21 points with 5 minutes to go so I told the guys break out the beer, it was fun and effective. I mean, we already have a head start on the celebration. Plus how humiliating is it for the other team when we are out there drinking and they just plain ass suck?” Big lessons for you kids too. Hey, if you are good enough to win then you’re good enough to drink on the field. (when you’re old enough of course)
Enjoy this Tour de Fail if you must, it is Lance Armstrong’s final one. Unless he pulls a Brett Farve and rides in 10 more.
Closing Argument about the Tour de Fail
I have to admit an American winning this race a record 7 times is pretty awesome, if for the only reason it rubs France’s nose in it. Imagine a Frenchman being the best football player in America, that would suck right? Ha ha ha, ooooooooh that’s funny. First off, that wouldn’t happen, but if it did we would all kill ourselves. I think most people in France feel like this when Lance Armstrong, with only one ball, dominates their cherished bike race. Sorry France, FAIL AGAIN.
Thanks Lance! We can all go back to ignoring France and this boring race for good, in about 3 weeks.