The other day I was jarred awake by the sound of the alarm clock and the only thing I wanted to do was get up and throw that thing across the room with as much velocity as I could. It got me thinking, it’s pretty widely accepted to throw alarm clocks or at least think about throwing alarm clocks. I find this odd since throwing it will break it, but since it’s such a pain in the ass in the morning it’s generally widely accepted that if you did throw and break the clock, everyone would understand. I can’t throw anything in my house, especially with 2 little kids, wrong example to show them. But it did get me thinking about other things that get the green light to slam or throw at home. Pretty random I know but what do you expect for free, right?
This by far is easily permitted to get smashed, thrown, hammered, crushed, or tossed out a window at any time, without any reason. No other inanimate object in the house is more annoying and more deserving of this top spot. Go ahead, smash the shit out of it and enjoy, it has woken you up enough without you pounding the crap out of it. I am not a morning person, and when I hear the buzz of an alarm clock in the morning there are times I wish I was dead, there are other times when I wanted to pick up the clock and send it’s to it’s ultimate death. I think that is on my bucket list. To hell with some of the big shit on a bucket list that doesn’t mean a lot, I want to be buzzed awake by a loud, annoying alarm clock for the sole purpose of me shattering it’s inners all over the ceiling and laugh as it rains down bits and pieces of above said annoying alarm clock. That right there would get me in the right mood to face the day. Put it on the bucket list now, somewhere in the top 10. My bucket list you ask? Don’t have one yet, but sounds like a blog post sometime in the future. It won’t be a stupid crap either like see the Great Wall or dance with blah, blah, blah… Nope, only cool shit.
First off we all have at least 5 of these in use at any time for a single TV, which is ridiculous to begin with. Next, when you do find the right one either you push the wrong button or the batteries are about to go out and it just won’t work correctly. Feel free to smash the remote down, let it know who’s in charge and maybe even cuss at it a little, if you’re like me. My remote is most in danger during college football season. I’m sure as hell not going to smash the plasma TV so Mr. Remote, be on your best behavior, and even then you’re likely to get an ass whopping just because. Makes me feeling powerful, makes me feel in control, and probably the best reason, lets me watch TV alone.
Unfortunately if your house is like mine (only smaller), all you have is wimpy cordless phones. Don’t get me wrong, they are great to talk on and walk around with but man if you really want to put an explanation point on the end of your really horrible call, you can’t really slam the cordless, more like a hard button push. Now, if you had a rotary phone, then you can really get a good wind up and slam that sumbitch down hard as hell. I think I’m going to pursue getting one rotary phone in my house and have it be the designated slam phone. I’ll talk to telemarketers on it, idiots, etc… And when I’m done with my conversations on this phone they will all end with my slamming the shit of it. Sounds like a good idea doesn’t it? Another bucket list idea. Get a rotary phone and slam the shit out of it at least once weekly. I may call telemarketers back for the purpose of smashing them. There is that sweet, quarter of a ring that goes off just when you slam the rotary phone down just right, call it the sweet spot.
Nothing makes me madder in the house than the damn computer and since you can’t in good conscience smash your beautiful 24 inch iMac the next best thing is let that damn mouse know you are not against animal cruelty. Sure it’s not a real mouse, but it’s still the object of my anger and sometimes a good slamming down is all it takes to make that page load quicker. Not really, but surely there has to be some repercussions. It’s 2010. Why can’t we just talk to the computer and have it type and scroll and do all the mouse shit via voice? It’s 2010, where are my flying cars? Yeah, I know there is voice activated technology. I have it on my phone and in my car and it sucks. Here is an idea of what happens when I use mine.
ME: call home
Bullshit voice technology: Calling Kevin
ME: No asshole, call home
Bullshit voice technology: Calling nearest gas station
ME: FUCK YOU
Bullshit voice technology: FUCK YOU TOO
As you can see, I paid extra for the smart-ass voice technology.
I am right, aren’t I? Why didn’t you think of this? Because I’m awesome and you’re, well, not. The balance of the top freezer door, the nice handle, the perfect weight it all adds up to a wonderful slamming object. Sure, they’re not a lot of times to slam a freezer door but here are few examples for you to ponder for yourself the next time your in the situation. Open up freezer, nothing looks good to eat for dinner. “God Dammit, there is never anything to eat in the house.” SLAM! Or open up the freezer and pronounce “who the fuck keeps eating all the ice cream?” SLAM! Or while on the wimpy cordless phone and ending a shitty phone conversation. “God Dammit, Bob is a fucking idiot and he doesn’t even realize it.” Open freezer door slowly, and here is the real key, slam very hard. Now, if you’re like me and have the side door freezer, well you’re shit out of luck, same category as the cordless phone, functional but in no way should be used to let your anger out, just won’t work. Like trying to slam the screen door.
Always a good reason to slam a front door, especially if you just had a convo with a moron trying to solicit you to buy something that you didn’t need. Perhaps you’re just late for an engagement and the only thing that will help you hurry is slamming shut that door. Or, when leaving and you are arguing about what time you were supposed to be at a function with your spouse and you need to let her know you are not against slamming a door to punctuate your argument. One last reason, but very important. If being chased by a tornado, serial killer or other type monster it’s definitely okay to enter the house quickly and upon entering your home turning and slamming the shit out of the front door. Then you are technically supposed to lean up against the door with your back while slowly falling to the ground gasping for air. Then after breathing heavy for about a half a minute, get up and peer thru the peep hole very slowly, if the Hollywood movies are legit.
Now time is running out on slamming actual books, soon everything will be on iPads, kindles, computers etc and you surely won’t want to slam them. But right now, if you get a good hand sized book, wow what a treat to pick up and slam down on the desk. One example, and there are literally millions, “For fuck sakes, it’s not going to get up and do it all by itself,” enter the slamming of the book. The size, the weight, the pitch perfect noise, it’s truly a sweet spot when it comes to crushing shit in the house. It’s a real attention getter too, which is half the point as well. The other half, is just sweet selfish satisfaction of being God over the book and letting it know not to “F” with you.
How many controllers did I break in my video game playing career? Too many to count. I was certain I was being cheated by the gods of the games and dammit, something had to give. Games are one of those things I remember playing a lot of while having a few beers. Enter alcohol, losing a game and there was no other option but to punish the shit out of the controller. Now a days it’s even easier, with the cordless controllers there is really no limit on how far you can throw those annoying fucking things. In my day, I would throw my shit but it would only go about 3 feet, the length of the cord and that usually took the sting off of the purpose of throwing the controller to it’s death and it usually made me even madder. The real beauty of technology these days is the unlimited length you can actually throw your controller, ahhhhhh technology.
Did I miss some other good ones? Let me know, I would love to hear about what shit you slam around the house. Please include people or animals if they are applicable as well. Do people slam gerbils anymore?
Thanks for reading Atomic Gator, pimping the comedy.