I’m not going to try and be cool here and say I don’t give a shit about the World Cup. It’s not that I hate the World Cup because I don’t. But I do hate all those ass hats who are suddenly huge World Cup Soccer fans. American soccer fans can barely support the MLS here in the states, and that’s only if an old and oft injured David Beckham is on the field and his wife Posh is in the stands.
So, now all these American fans have somehow contracted World Cup Fever? I’m not buying that shit. What I do buy is everyone likes a party and since there is no real football on right now American’s want to join the party and support US Soccer. What’s wrong with that? Not a damn thing, but don’t act like you really give a shit about the soccer games. You want to be included in the World party, and you want to drink, but as soon as the World Cup is over for Team USA you’ll be back watching golf, horse racing and bowling on the weekends. Am I wrong? Prove yourself then bitch, and name me 5 players on Team USA soccer without looking it up. I thought so asshole.
Hell, name me five MLS teams. Yeah, I thought so. It’s okay if you don’t know this stuff but don’t run around like a douche pronouncing yourself with World Cup Fever, you just have a case of the dumb-ass.
Why isn’t the United States soccer crazy?
I’m glad you asked and the answer is simple. Our best players don’t grow up wanting to be top soccer players. Our best athletes grow up wanting to play in the NFL, the NBA and MLB. In Europe and other parts of the globe EVERYONE wants to play soccer, it’s a way of life.
Let’s go to exhibit A: I mean, really, look at this guy. Tell me he isn’t World Cup Crazy!
Notice the attention to detail. Notice the red Cape. Notice the wrestling mask and notice the Mexican Sombrero. That my friends is a real soccer fan. By the way, security person with magnetic wand, it wouldn’t hurt to check this guy again. He may be a crazy soccer fan or he may just be plain crazy and this is his everyday outfit, just saying.
My super-duper in-depth World Cup 2010 preview!
32 teams divided up into 8 pools with 4 teams each, confusing enough for you? Oh and the pools are lettered not numbered. Now on to the real action. I can’t wait for the big Serbia vs. Ghana match up on Sunday, the winner of this one is clearly the winner of the game. While the loser is forced to probably play again vs. another team on another day. Now, that is a world cup preview isn’t it? Oh, and watch out for the Ivory Coast, South Korea and Algeria. They all play in the tournament too, probably against one of the other soccer teams in the above said tournament. The top seed is Brazil. Let’s hope they bring their cheering female entourage with their hot Brazilian wax jobs and tropical hotness. Win or lose, I think those Brazilians have already won.
By the way, don’t they have other pressing needs in South Africa besides playing soccer? Like Aids, famine, genocide, poverty, hunger, malaria just to name a few? I’m just saying.
Let’s recap Day one’s excitement: 2 huge games on tap to get this World Cup party started!
Game one: South Africa vs. Mexico:
Winner = Nobody 1-1 draw… ummm okay… Big game for host nation, and they tie Mexico?? Well, okay I guess let’s move on – it’s just one game, right?
Game two: France vs. You’re Gay, I mean Uruguay:
Winner = Nobody 0-0 draw Well now I can see what all the build up was about. Good thing this only happens every 4 years, I don’ t know if I can take all of this scoring excitement. So, two opening day matches, a total of 180 minutes played and lets count them, 2 god damn goals to show for the entire opening day. No winners, and no losers unless you count us the viewers and fans.
Here are some glossary terms to help you non-soccer people:
Football = Soccer
Pitch = Field
Game = Match
boring = boring
yawn = yawn
Soccer = Football
Beer = Beer
Offensive explosion = 2 goals (by the same team)
Fuck You = Yellow Card
Fuck You again = Red Card
Typical Game = no scoring and no winner
Ref = Douche Bag
Air horn slash drinking helmet: Mandatory World Cup Head gear
Lookout, it’s the World’s first pizza clown
Great to see the Village People are still making public appearances.
Another Mexican soccer “fan.” Although, upon closer inspection I think he resembles Jim Carrey in The Mask. Smokin!!!
World Cup = Olympics?
I’ve heard this argument and I’m calling Bullshit on this one. There are some comparisons: both take place every 4 years, both involve numerous countries competing in sports on the world stage. But there is one real difference here. The Olympics have multiple kick ass sports that world class athletes compete in for 17 days. The World Cup is the same game (Soccer) every day, sometimes with multiple games a day for an ENTIRE month. If the Olympics did curling every day, multiple times for an entire month, then we could compare the World Cup to the Olympics, but not now.
Thanks for cruising Atomic Gator, your World Cup Sarcasm headquarters.