Cruzin Cooler: $399-$499
Can hold 24 cans and one big ass dork. What is the cooler cruzin for, a DUI?
Zombie of Montclaire Moors: $89.95
Who doesn’t need a fucking Zombie coming out of their flowers and mulch year round?
Electronic Feng Shui Compass: $199.99
You can measure your electromagnetic energy for only two hundred dollars. You can also measure your stupidity as well if you fork over 200 clams to buy this piece of electronic shit.
Harry Potter’s Wand: $35
Comes complete with wand box, and measures 14 inches in length. It also comes with my 100% complete guarantee that you will NEVER get laid again.
Hairmax Lasercomb: $470
For almost $500 you can comb your hair with a laser? How much of a dumb-ass do you have to be to buy a $470 laser comb? Now if it was a comb that turned into a laser gun that’s one thing. “How hard is it to get sharks with freaking lasers on their head?” My best Austin Powers
Giant Cupcake Pan: $29.95
Hey assholes if the cupcake is that BIG it’s not a cup cake, it’s just a cake, idiots.
Tex The Armadillo Can Holder: $19.95
For less than twenty dollars you can put your can of Lone Star light beer in the hands of a drunk Armadillo who apparently also shits out peanuts.
Light Therapy System: $399.95
You need more than a little light therapy if you are going to pay four hundred dollars for this pile of shit with lights. You need a LOT of therapy and probably some medications as well.
Pringles Can Diversion Safe: $14.99
Unless the thieves robbing your house get hungry your money is safe. OR if your house is like mine, your kids will be stealing you blind because they are always snacking. Hey it’s your call, free from burglars but in the process your kids will be earning bank. Come to think of it, I can’t think of a worse place to hide money from kids. While you’re at it why don’t you hide the guns and ammo with the video games, they’ll never look there geniuses. If you really want to hide money around the house put it with the vegetables.
Skyrest Travel Pillow: $29.95
Is a shitty pillow worth $30? NO. Is something that makes you look like your asleep so the fucking annoying person next to you will shut up, worth $30? YES!
Head Spa Massager: $49.95
I don’t care how good looking you are, you put this on your head and you’re instantly transformed into a huge dildo.
SkyMall Gift Card: $25-$100
I think the worst gift anyone can give is the SkyMall gift card. Seriously if someone gives you this A. It’s a re-gift and B. They really don’t like you at all. It’s the gift that never gives. “Here is your SkyMall gift card, now go pick out some worthless piece of shit, oh and happy birthday scumbag!”
I’m guessing the people at SkyMall assume the high-altitude and drinking will prompt you to buy some of the worthless shit in their catalog, I can’t for the life of me come up with any other conclusion.
Happy shopping and thanks for reading Atomic Gator. Now put your seats in the upright position, tray tables back and prepare for your final destination. Oh, and we’ve lost your bags, yes even the ones in the overhead.