Nic Cage calls Hollywood
NC: Hello Hollywood? [tweetmeme source=”richramirez1” only_single=false]
HW: Hello Nic, what can we help you with?
NC: I’m surprised you answered. Just curious if I can come back now?
HW: I’m surprised I answered. Let me get your file hold on.
NC: Take your time
HW: Holy Shit
HW: Your list of movie bombs is impressive. Sorry, you aren’t due up for review again till 2020.
In fact if making shitty movies was a crime you would be imprisoned for life.
NC: I’m in a new cool movie coming out: KICK-ASS
HW: That’s nice but we just go with the facts.
NC: What facts?
HW: Lets review: Guarding Tess, 8mm, Ghost Rider, Wind Talkers, The Weather Man, Gone in 60 seconds, Snake Eyes, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin? Seriously Nick, we have to draw the line somewhere and we draw it at Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.
NC: Francis Ford Coppola, Sofia Coppola do those names mean anything to you?
HW:Yes, you have some famous people in your family.
NC: Alright here goes, you’re forcing me to use the big stuff: I won an Academy Award!
HW: Yes you did. You won an award in the movie where you portrayed a large drunk in Leaving Las Vegas.
NC: Yes sir, Academy Award winner, Nic Cage
HW: How hard was it for you to get drunk, show up on the set, continue drinking and stumble around your lines? Seriously, you got an award for being drunk. It’s not like you’re John Malkovich or Meryl Streep okay?
NC: I was in Raising Arizona
HW: Great movie in 1987, this is 2010 Nic
HW: That is where the comparisons end
HW: Your home in Bel Air was auctioned off in foreclosure two days ago.
NC: F You Hollywood!
HW: Listen Nic you took a huge dump on Hollywood for several years with your piece of shit movies, it’s not our fault, fire your agent.
NC: Just the other day some news person in Hollywood said I was on the “A” List
HW: No they didn’t idiot. They said you were on a list. The dumb-asses still in Hollywood list.
HW: Listen, just keep going in the right direction and perhaps you can come back
NC: 2 words: Academy Award
HW: 3 words: Lisa Marie Presley
NC: I’ll give you that one, nice play
HW: Give it some time Nic
NC: Sucks, I want back now
HW: If you want back immediately you have to do one of two things
CN: What I’ll do anything?
HW: A string of 3 or 4 great movie roles or
NC: Not going to happen, Next?
HW: A big scandal
NC: I’m not sure I can do the movie role thing but I can probably do an awesome scandal of some sort.
HW: With your record in Hollywood, you need a big scandal, not just sleeping with teenagers or drinking & driving and yelling at the cops, something big
NC: Like what rob the Pizza Hut guy?
NC: Yeah, I talk to the bitch, why?
HW: She is the only one with access to Elvis and Michael Jackson.
NC: So, what’s your thinking?
HW: You need to find a way, ahhh nevermind
NC: What, I said I would do anything!
HW: Okay, you need to dig them both up, set them up at a table and pretend to have dinner with them. Meanwhile video taping the entire event and make sure you also have jugglers and clowns on unicycles for the premier on YouTube.
HW: Or monkeys, just something that’s classy. You get the idea and you need to wear that outfit from the movie Honeymoon in Vegas
NC: This does not sound like a good idea.
HW: I tell you what isn’t a good idea. Movie scripts like: Gone in 60 seconds, Wind Talkers, Bringing out the Dead, Snake eyes. Seriously do I need to continue, because if I have to I will?
NC: Just stop, I’ll do it.
HW: Look at it this way, with your piece of shit career in Hollywood this can only enhance your Q Factor. People can’t hate you less, it can only help.
NC: You’re right
HW: Damn right I’m right. When you’re at the bottom sucking scum you can only go up. Doesn’t that make you feel good?
NC: I’m not sucking scum.
HW: You were married to that chick that looks like a dude?
NC: Patricia Arquette. You’re right I suck.
HW: Good luck Captain Corelli
NC: Very Funny
If you liked this version of Celebrity Phone Conversation check out the other one with Magnum PI and Gordon Gekko, they debate the new Apple iPad. It’s in the story: Is the Apple iPad really going to save the Universe?
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