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Let’s run down the list of 80’s remakes or sequels due out in 2010. Clash of the Titans, Karate Kid, Tron, Nightmare on Elm Street, The A-Team, Red Dawn, & Wall Street. I’m sure there are a few others but dammit I don’t have a team of interns running around here to do my research and get me lunch so that’s the end of the damn list.
First up, Clash of the Titans. Shitty movie in the 80’s, forecast in 2010 ~ still shitty. Forecast brought to you by Acuvue Weather. Tag-line says Clash begins April 1, 2010. Well ass-hat, the original Clash of the Titans actually began in 1981, nice try.
Next up Tron 2. You know, because there were so many questions left unanswered in the original. Looks like a wild ride if you’re a Star Trek fan, a Dungeons and Dragons Wizard Elf or just a fan of glow sticks. Tron 2 preview: Looks like the lights from under the cars from the Fast and the Furious came to life, unfortunately it’s just lot’s of colors and not much else. PASS. Can someone unplug the dark light and get these assholes out of the video game please?
Next up: Nightmare on Elm Street. Question #1: Why in the hell does anyone still live on Elm Street? I mean the real estate value must be miserable since anyone who lives on that street eventually succumbs to death by razors. I guess in this housing market cheap houses are always in demand. Question #2: Really Feddie, still rocking the bad sweater and dumb-ass fedora hat? I liked the original in 1984, but isn’t the razor blade glove out of style by now? First of all, there are like 15 Nightmare on Elm Streets and they all have the same plot. Thumbs down turd, take off the dumb sweater and hat and lose the glove shit burger. Can you kill someone every now and then with a pitchfork or trident? Enough already with the glove, okay OJ?
Next victim: Wall Street 2: Money never sleeps. It may not sleep but Charlie Sheen does with everyone else. Zinger. Sorry that was too easy, like Charlie Sheen’s hookers. Okay, I’ll stop. Wall Street 2: It’s hard for me to attack this movie, I loved the original. Market Forecast: Buy now, and lets see what happens. Not a huge fan of Shia LaBeouf, but I’m a big fan of Gordon Gekko. As long as Gekko is still mother fuckin everyone both verbally and in the buy and sell world of commodities, I’m in!
The A-Team: Where do I start with this hunk of shit? What’s next for Mr. T, a DC Cab sequel? I guess technically this isn’t a remake since even in the dumb 80’s they weren’t stupid enough to make an A-Team movie. Technically though this A-Team movie, like the A-Team series, is going to suck. Best part of A-team? Opening song, after that this A-team blows chunks out loud. Go spend $10.50 on this movie and you might as well expect a bomb and I’m 100% sure your expectations will be met!
Red Dawn: Unless they dig up Patrick Swayze and parachute him in for the remake, don’t waste your time. I might watch it if C. Thomas Howell would resurrect his role dressed as ‘Soul Man’ but unfortunately none of those scenarios are going to play out. Russian paratroopers land in Colorado? Really? Nice plot – what the hell were they in Colorado for, ski season? And the Red Army is going to be denied by 80’s heartthrobs with single shot rifles? I think even Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova armed with only her tennis racket could take out Sheen, Swayze and Howell but whatever. If they gave away free beer and the ticket included a live pinata of C. Thomas Howell that I could strike repeatedly while the movie played, I still probably won’t bother with this crap.
Lastly, get your wax on Karate Kid. The only remake of the Karate Kid I want is the one where Daniel Larusso literally gets his heart ripped out of his chest in the All Valley Karate Championship and dies right there in Elizabeth Shue’s arms. Final scene, close up of Daniel Larusso crying like a little newborn baby right up until his pathetic last gasp of air. (fade to black) End Credits. Outside of that I don’t need a Karate Kid remake. They made 3 already,”Bow to your sensai Bitch” The Karate Kid remake does have the Fresh Prince’s son as the new star. Great, I’m still PASSING.
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